In the Artist Way, Julia Cameron says it best when she writes about dealing with external sabotage…

Be alert to subtle sabotage from friends.

You cannot afford their well meaning doubts

right now. Their doubts WILL REACTIVATE

YOUR OWN. Be particularly alert to any suggestions

that you are becoming selfish and different.

These are red-alert words for us. They are attempts

to leverage us back into our old ways for the sake

of someone else’s comfort, not our own. (45, The Artist Way)

People or poisoness pals may manipulate us by guilt. Our friends, feeling abandoned by our departure; may unconsciously try to lay guilt on us into giving up our new habits, life, and course. Falling into others plans for us may derail what we really want. We may feel we should do something else, for someone else, instead of the step we really set some time aside for to do that would further us in our own direction but then feel guilty. We keep thinking of responsibilities to others and not ourselves. We think by doing this we are kind and good but really we end just annoyed and frustrated. “Do not let friends squander your time.” Be aware of people that create storm centers. Those that are powerfully persuasive that dwell on anger and problems. These people could be called fixer-uppers you are always on damage control and putting out fires with them and constantly trying to fix relationships with them. They crave drama and everyone around them is a supporting cast. The cast serves as an energy system to be exploited and drained. They are expert blamers, and are jealous destructive matriarchs. They undercut everyone’s agenda but their own. Then they act as if they hear your boundaries and respect them, but it is all an act, cause the next day or week the repetitive behavior begins again.

Even though these poisoness pals may act in this way, they may not realize it. They feel trapped in their own lives but at the same time gain something from being in that position. Their comfort is sympathy, complaint, sameness and self-pity. They still indulge themselves with wishful thinking with no action and fear. The blocked friends will not applaud you starting a new life they stay in the position of “bench sitting cynicism.” The best way to help them is becoming a model. Become an example of action and creation. Live the life you seek. Try to be patient with their childishness but unaffected. When they finally come to self-realization you can teach them and help guide them through your own experience.

I have come to the realization of what emotions are. I have realized the way emotions build on each other as well as situations or events build upon one another, much like the Buddhist teachings of life is a series of events. I do not think I ever really understood their point of view until now.

I try to be comforted in decisions I have made. Try to tell myself they are in the past and no matter how much they may look like mistakes they are my decisions and my “mistakes” and they have made me what I am and are responsible for what I have learned in this life. But sometimes guilt, blame and regret overwhelm me, as with any human being I guess. Fear also overwhelms me at times. Fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of failure and probably another one-thousand one-hundred and thirty-nine things.

How do I fix a self that should not need fixing. A self that should realize it’s own divinity and capabilities of manifesting anything it wants. How do I own compassion and understanding and share this with even those who may hurt me? It is a challenge.