Snowy Day Journal

I feel doomed to relieve my past. Issues of trust, insecurity, deceit, decisions are all coming back to haunt me. I try to think I can realize I can make my life how I want it. Being responsible for how I feel, how I react to situations, others, make my own happiness. But I forget that feeling of responsibility sometimes and feel paralyzed to decisions and emotions.

I have come to the realization of what emotions are. I have realized the way emotions build on each other as well as situations or events build upon one another, much like the Buddhist teachings of life is a series of events. I do not think I ever really understood their point of view until now.

I try to be comforted in decisions I have made. Try to tell myself they are in the past and no matter how much they may look like mistakes they are my decisions and my “mistakes” and they have made me what I am and are responsible for what I have learned in this life. But sometimes guilt, blame and regret overwhelm me, as with any human being I guess. Fear also overwhelms me at times. Fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of failure and probably another one-thousand one-hundred and thirty-nine things.

How do I fix a self that should not need fixing. A self that should realize it’s own divinity and capabilities of manifesting anything it wants. How do I own compassion and understanding and share this with even those who may hurt me? It is a challenge.